The Aftermath of Neuromancer

According the book, Neuro means from the nerves referring the silvery paths and mancer is derived from the regular word Romancer (whereas mancy means gaining knowledge through supernatural or unnatural means). I didn’t know what the title meant when I first glanced at it. I thought that it might be related to some sort of information processing through brains and that sort of thing. I thought it would be an easy read because I was in “sci-fi only” reading mode then. Little did I know that it would take me almost six months to complete this book.

I stumbled across the title and a vague relation of Neuromancer with Mr. Robot in one of my Facebook conversations. I did a brief wiki about it and realised that it is apparently one of the best books written about cyberspace and the web when the entire concept was quiet new in 1984. A lot of credit also went to the author for idealising such a concept during that era. So I was basically all hyped up about reading it.

I read the first few pages and fell instantly in love with it while at the same time I didn’t understand a single thing it meant. I loved it because it had a Japanese landscape reference (neon lights and Chiba – I also love the fact that most of the futuristic references are always centred on Japan) and after that I was lost. I couldn’t piece the smallest human sensations and feelings that the character felt with the city and everything else because the story just jumped right off from the first page. There was very little background information regarding basically everything in the book. William Gibson (the author) used a very poetic jargon that literally makes you use every single neuron in your brain to picture the story. I couldn’t get through the first few pages at the first read. I read it again once and twice and then I finally started to get a feel of the story. But by then I got tired (mentally) and couldn’t continue further. And this was just five pages into a book of 271 pages (though I felt like I have read more).

The story just confused me after that point. I realised that the author would just pop in characters out of nowhere with no history at all into the story like salt and pepper! I had to go through word by word to figure out where the story changes and his vocabulary was used with completely different references that kindle’s verbal dictionary was of no use. I had to google most of the words to get a pictorial understanding of it. He uses many Romaji (Japanese words in English) references like sarariman, zaibatsu, ono sendai, chatsubo etc which I didn’t understand in the first go but then thank god for google. I will say the same goes for his characters. I understood a bit about Case (the protagonist) but it was his partner/sidekick Molly who intrigued me the most. I wouldn’t call her a cyborg but she had made modifications to her body like getting glass disc eyes, razor blades retracting underneath her nails and many more which I found it hard to picture initially. I googled her character and when most of the sketches by fanarts matched the image which I had in my mind, I felt a little glimmer of hope in continuing to read this book.

If there is one thing I loved about the book, it was the way the different places and landscapes were described. These weren’t like your average artist painting a picture. It was more than that. Imagine your senses involved in a breathing technology that is not an AI. That’s what his scenes felt like. He gave life to them using the mundane objects. He even describes the fight scenes in a more beautiful and lucid manner that you would be pleased with the bloodshed and broken limbs. There is this one scene where he describes Molly's stance before a major fight and it is absolutely breathtaking. The same goes for the ninja Hideo and his movements and the subtlety in which he describes sex. I never understood all this at the first go rather only after reading the paragraph again did I get the whole picture and I was left completely spellbound.
This was the reason why it took me six months to complete this book. I often tried comparing the story with elements from Ghost in the Shell (sci fi anime) and understood certain terms like deck, flip, flatline, construct etc. I needed pauses in between to get a grasp and understanding of the story. There have been nights when I slept thinking and muttering Tessier – Ashpool and the complex structure of this AI. It’s at moments like these I feel proud for being a computer science student.

It was only after I was 40% done with the book did I read it without any breaks in between and I was so glad I did. It’s truly an amazing book and I can’t wait to finish the trilogy as well as other books by William Gibson! I kind of admire him like Murakami. And I think W. Gibson is like the technocratic version of Murakami.

Neuromancer is an amazing story written on a typewriter that was way ahead of its time during its publication and I still believe it is.

The Before

I have always loved the process of going to sleep rather than just sleeping. It’s almost a heavenly luxury especially during hot summer days when sleep comes like a blessing. It is the best place in the world to be in as I lie down to sleep with my thoughts just out there on the ceiling ready to be explored. I pick any one of those scattered dreamlike gems from the array presented to me and I just toy with it.

I think about how I started thinking about it. I think about its origins and where all it extends to from its current point of view. As I think I let these thoughts enter me and my senses start to mingle with them. My body tingles as they pass through my blood. I feel it flow along with the blood in my veins as I turn over and shuffle in the sheets because of the hot air. My senses are heightened momentarily. I can hear, or maybe my brain perceives me to hear, the sound of birds chirping. And these aren’t the sounds of just any normal bird. It is the sound of the birds chirping in joy to the gorgeous weather while I wreath on the verge of sleeplessness due to the hot summer day.

Occasionally I pick up the scent of something before I drift off to sleep. Sometimes I think it’s the rain or sometimes it’s just the smell of nothing. When I think of it as the rain I open my eyes slowly and look at the world in a hazy glow. I barely make out the drapes as light filters through them with the smell of earth. In this moment everything looks so beautiful in mild warmth. It makes me wonder if I am dreaming or if it is real.

I slowly begin to feel heavy. The thoughts take their own course of action. I can feel my pulse throbbing and my mind reach an equilibrium where the entire universe mutes itself out while I take a plunge into my world. I see people who I have never seen before as I dive. Sometimes I see people I know but then I feel like I am meeting them for the first time and I don’t know anything about them at all. Suddenly I feel lost and I don’t know what to do. This dreamlike in-between state is like a busy interstate junction. And when I feel lost I just go in any direction irrespective of the unknown destination waiting for me. Once this happens I am unable to move my body and I no longer feel transient. I feel like have transitioned into my sleep completely and I just continue diving deeper. I no longer feel the hot summer day but rather calmness so forgetful that I wish I never transcended and rather continued to stay in the in between.

I feel all this in those glorious moments before I fall into a mundane sleep.

The love story that sprung from a heartbreak

Do me a favour?
And just follow my gaze.
Across the star that shines at this hour
When she doesn’t forgive herself for her bright haze.
Blinded by her irrational heart
That sent sparks everywhere,
And made her words an outcast
Towards her shadow with blooming care.
The mad sounds of crashing
Of something ending,
That followed the symphony
Of his mending heart by his sweet honey.

I know I keep saying this too often but I'll try to keep my word this time on writing posts more frequently!

For the love of creating

If there is any way to literally waste time physically but account for every second of it mentally I think I would do a pretty good job at that. I would simply call this act as “thinking”. I don’t know if it’s just me but I can sit in a posture and think for hours straight without moving an inch physically however mentally, I would be in another galaxy. I wouldn’t say this “thinking” is the same as “daydreaming” because for the concept and contents of a dream are lost once I wake up. I just go into this tranquil state when I start thinking. It is much more avid and real than dreaming. It’s more like heighted concentration and sometimes makes me hungry. My point being, a couple of days ago I was in this loveland and I caught myself thinking about creating and what I had written about it a couple of years back before I started going to college.

I stated a few years ago that I would not pursue engineering because it was too mainstream and that I would rather be a designer because I wanted to create.
It’s so ironical that I still persuaded engineering because it was mainstream and offered a degree whereas designing courses offered only a diploma here. I never thought I would contradict myself but I did (and now that I am typing this it makes me wonder if I am weak willed? – need to think on this as well). I was still thinking about creating and whether the education I am pursuing satisfies that need. If you had asked me when I was still in school I would have said no. No – because I believed that only artists could create. No – because only creative people can create and engineers are not creative. No – for many more probable reasons which I cannot remember. I am saying this because I had a narrow point of view and hadn’t exactly stepped out of my cozy seashell to know exactly what it is like out there.

Right now for me the concept of creating and who can create has all changed. Creating doesn’t have to be something definite and solid. It can be something virtual, non-physical, a feeling or just anything. Creating is limitless and so is a creator. He doesn’t need to have a designer’s or an art’s degree. Anybody can be a creator. All that is required is to keep that tiny flicker of difference ignited when it sparks in our mind and evolve along with it. I still believe creating is beautiful and that it is what I will do irrespective of my line of education.

All this revelation was not the result of an afternoon session of strained thinking alone. It’s rather an amalgamation of all the experiences and lessons that I have learnt after leaving school and just being on my own. And I am so glad I did.

What the rains?!

Yesterday it rained super heavily and the entire city was on a halt. The skies had a constant texture and hue throughout the entire day, be it in the morning or in the afternoon. The visibility was also super low. I couldn’t even see the building next to mine! It was all grey and rains. It was the perfect weather for a melancholic day but the best day ever for hot pakodas and hot chocolate drinks!

Apart from that it had been raining for the past 3 days and I also had the chance to meet up with my friends here. It was a kickass meetup which was hilarious and had lots of catching up to do from over a year! My friends always thought I am someone who studies all the time (I make it a point to strategically study before the day of the exam) and seemed genuinely surprised when they heard me use cuss words. We met up at Carter’s road and talked for hours inside a restaurant until Divya decided to enjoy the very nice weather outside. The enjoyment resulted us getting super drenched in the rain and running along the sidewalks of Carter laughing, stealing umbrellas so that the other person will get drenched on purpose and enjoying the overall “view outside”.

It was a pretty hilarious adventure and something which I am sure all of us would like to do once again.
And by the way, I don’t think I will ever get over the fact that Jon Snow died.

On Travelling and Late Night Curfew

So yesterday I visited Nat Geo's Travelling workshop, with a couple friends of mine, held at Title Waves, Bandra West. It was pretty difficult to find that bookstore unless you know the streets of Bandra West properly. That being said I did not thankfully get lost and I somehow managed to find the bookstore after asking every second passer-by there!

As a result I ended up reaching the event 10 minutes late but I didn’t miss out much. What happened after that was a real eye opener for me! The entire bookstore was engrossed in the discussion and every single person there was an avid traveller! I mean there were literally varieties of people there. There were some people who wanted to sleep under a streetlight (in their checklist, which she did cross out), cyclists who had gone everywhere with their cycles, mothers encouraging their daughters to travel (even if money was dawdling in the bank) and the most important part of interacting with the locals and also travelling safe. It was really an amazing session. I met this guy who makes a living out of photography and I was absolutely stunned. Like he just takes photos and that is his job! And I also met this writer (unable to categorise her genre which is somewhat mystic and dark) at the event. In the end I was really happy I went for it!

And after the event got over I was super hungry so we decided to go to Bandra Bandstand at 9.45 PM.

Yeah this is the first time I’d ever stayed out so late. So we went to the CafĂ© Coffee Day and I ordered a Matcha Green Tea Frappe which came super late and tasted of coffee.
And I hate coffee, that bitter tasting beverage. I’m more of a sweet person.

So I had to return it and wait for them to make my drink again and by then it was 10.20. They gave me some other drink which was bland but I didn’t care ‘because I was hungry and annoyed. So I just drank it.

Bandstand is really dark in the night. It was my first time there but it is a nice place though it’s not so good under the cleanliness forte. So we were just walking along Bandstand for like half an hour or so talking about Uber, Ola and App driven taxis and autos. And I finally reached home at 11.
And let’s not forget I was a bit edgy about being late but I was really shocked to see so many people and vehicles out at 11. It was a nice experience though.
Glad to have experienced it!

Oh what a year has it been!


I cannot believe that this is going to be my first post of 2015. It’s kind of shocking but then I find it funny at the same time too. I wasn’t able to blog because my last academic year had been really hectic and very quick to pass by too, now that I think about it. But nevertheless I’m blogging again in the summer because it is the much awaited vacation time!

Monsoon has started finally and my body detects these changes so very quickly in the form of catching a cold (I have a very sensitive nose – towards temperature changes and dust). Apart from that I am doing an in internship at my dad’s office because it is convenient, work at home and I can work with blasting music around me. I am interning as a web developer but along this course I want to give more priority to server side developing.

Apart from this I’m really hooked onto H. Murakami’s books and I’ve got his entire collection in my kindle. I’m reading them all in the chronological order in order to grasp his growth as a writer and the progress of his creativity and thinking. From what I have read so far (currently reading: The Wind – Up Bird Chronicles) Murakami’s characters are heavily influenced by Western Classical music. But then they are really good and make you think a lot philosophically and his analogies are weirdly connected.

Don’t know what else to say, just hope that I blog frequently though!

Sometimes I just can't stop thinking enough to turn off

[209] - help
The Girl with Glass Feet, Ali Shaw
This was a very difficult book to find. I remember reading a review about it in 2009; I guess when the book was first published, in the newspaper. I wanted to read it immediately. After that I began hunting for that book. What really annoyed me was that it wasn’t available in any of the stores like Landmark, Crossword or Higginbotham. I even tried searching it online but they were out of stock and later on they weren’t selling it anymore! I even thought about reading the e-book version of it but scratched the idea off because I wanted it paperback. There is something about printed books that puts it on a notch up higher compared to e-books.
And finally! One day (this year) while I was walking from the station to my aunt’s house there was this second hand book store and as I was gazing through the book shelf my eyes fell upon the familiar shades and text of this long lost book I was searching and I yelped with joy. I felt like I had found Pandora’s Box or something.

The story progresses gradually. Ali Shaw did a good job in portraying the locations very well. You can find yourself in an eerie island of monochrome hue throughout the story. Honestly, there isn’t much colour in the story or the characters (literally) but that is what fits in perfectly with the plot. The lives of the characters are explained inexplicably as they are all related to each other which rather create a monotonous drag. The imagery is almost perfect and the emotions are felt to the core. The ending however was climatic.
All that is there to it is that it is not your everyday fairy tale story. It’s got its own twist of science sprinkled with a realistic touch.

I was fairly disappointed though. It must have been because I was waiting for a very long time to read this book!

The Over Thinking Disease

I probably think they are going to come up with a scientific name for it provided one doesn’t exist already. Many teenagers or young adults might be lining up at the psychologist wondering why the gears of their so called growing brain has ceased to dysfunction and appears to be on high levels of dopamine even with the absence of coffee. I don’t know what causes this, internal or external conflicts. But whatever the reason maybe it messes you up real good.
I can go on thinking for hours, literally, and maintain the same posture. I’ll be stationery but my mind would most probably be a lost cause.
Few months back I was lost, mentally. I was preparing for my finals and I sat idle for two hours just thinking. It killed me because I could perceive my surroundings crystal clear, even the faintest sound heard like an elephant trumpeting. I tried to distract myself by practising origami which turned out futile because my attempts were half hearted. I felt like pulling my hair out and screaming. I could picture conversations which never happened in my head and I felt helpless. As a last resort I flipped to the last page of my book and just wrote whatever was going on in my head. I didn’t care about the grammar. I just had to put those images and thoughts on paper, pleading for help.
It was mentally exhausting. I don’t know how I overcame it (I must have slept it off or met somebody of importance) but I am glad I did.
And now it haunted me again.
I emphasize on the past tense because it wasn’t until a few hours ago that I cooled myself down. I was thinking about a lot of things and the decisions I have taken so far. My fuse had blown out mentally and I was on a rampage. But I cooled down after I spoke about it.
It’s better, for now at least.
And I am desperate for a change now.

And it’s that time of the year again

It’s definitely not the award season. It’s the game season and it’s that time of the year when the whole (a very big whole) family reunites. It’s summer.

I can hear myself sigh mentally when I mutter summer. First of all I am not a big fan of the games that is cricket. Summer is the IPL season. IPL is the Indian Premier Leagues and it is 20-20 cricket. 20-20 cricket is the only form of cricket which I can tolerate. I loved watching it when I was in school. But now that I am in college I hardly get any tv and when I come home the whole family is cuddled in front of the tv completely cut off from the world, I get pissed. So I basically hate cricket now. But I just like supporting the team I favour and raising my eye occasionally when they either score a lot of runs or take a lot of wickets. The one good thing that comes out of this family tv time is that I get my peace of mind.
And then there is this, the family reunion thingy. I live in Mumbai but I study in Chennai. The entire family resides in Chennai. So in summer when it is vacation time for everybody, cousins pour in from all corners of India here in Chennai. It’s basically a month full of fun provided I am with the right cousins. And then how can I forget? This is India and it’s June during summer which is nothing but a binge wedding month.

I’ve attended more weddings this year than I could ever in my lifetime! We’ve got two weddings this month in a week. So I’ll be packing stuff and moving from place to place, eating lots and getting tired like shit. The only good part would be I’d be carrying my camera. When I’m taking photos I go into this trance like state where I forget about everything surrounding me and just focus on the photo and composition. Sometimes, or rather most of the time, my camera is my saviour.

After all this is over which would be like after the first week of June I’d finally be going to Mumbai. I missed it so much. I never thought I would miss it as much as I miss it now.
I can’t wait to go back home. It has been such a very long time, really.
By the way I’m resuming my project 365. I’m going to splurge upload because I am heavily lagging and I think the year was already over on March 22, 21014. But then I plan on finishing it unlike my 52 week project which I just dropped off.
So do check it out and follow me on my instagram: @jathdreams for more updates.

Messed up fun

Screw this.
I’ve scratched off the past 20 times on deciding what to write. I’m just going to write whatever is on the top of my head. Screw the rest.

It’s summer and it is bloody scorching here in Chennai. I haven’t gone home in the past 6 months but I managed through somehow. I’m not particularly homesick; I just don’t want to stay here. It’s too stagnant. I want a change of surrounding. It helps me clear my head. And now that it is vacation time I guess I can finally sit down and think without any vignetting thoughts and waste time wistfully.

I’m done with college. I’m supposed to be a senior. But I still feel like a kid inside. It’s fun to be reckless and not care about the consequences. I learnt to let go or rather I am still learning. Learning is like change, always constant. I did have to pay some heavy prices in the process though but that’s okay.
I have been to quiet a lot of places in the last year. Some were unexpected but they were certainly worth it. While travelling I realized it’s important to have to proper company. I realized the importance of pictures, words and mementos once again.
I met a lot, like really a lot, of people. They were all so diverse. It was so much fun listening to their stories. I’ve become more of a listener now. I’ve realized the people who are important to me and the price of trust.
And how can I forget?
I’ve seen the most mesmerizing sunsets this year and there can never be anything more gorgeous than a sunset. I made so many memories this year.
I had fun. I felt pain.
But whatever, it’s all done now.
Let’s take a break from the drama.

P.S: I swear this is the most disoriented post I’ve written and I feel really bad because there is no flow in the content at all and I want to kill myself for it. I can’t make any promises in the future but I’ll write something better later.

Sunset diaries

I love sunsets. I don't know why but for some reason they are better than the sunrise. After the sun sets, the sky is an abstract painting, a master piece by an anonymous painter interpreted by our imagination. Sunsets are the golden hour. There is a subtle hue of gold over almost everything which makes the surrounding and memories more precious and beautiful. People prefer the sunrise over sunset for obvious reasons such as the beginning of a new day and new hopes etc. But sunsets are no less. They are also a beginning – they are the beginning of a new night. It’s only fair if we treat every new night the same way we treat a new day. Moreover once the sun sets, the moon rises. So it is not that everything perishes after the sun sets. A whole new other life awaits after the sunset. The migratory birds flock at the huge mangrove tree in the lake. Jasmines bloom only after the sunset. Shops, pubs and parties open up as the sun sets. People transform from their monotonous suit life to a more exciting and colorful phase of the day. Shops light up for the arrival of crowd. Music lingers longer in the air once the sun sets. Creatures of the night crawl out to embrace their kingdom. Then there is the beautiful moon, either silver or golden, which rises once the sun sets. It engulfs the night with its timeless beauty leaving its admirers lost and mesmerized.
Sunsets are the beginning of the flipside.

My Rollercoaster

Isn’t it amazing how you are thrown to college all of a sudden in your life of unexpected twists and turns? It is like one of the best roller coaster rides in life ever. We experience a newly found freedom which is quiet addictive and it is only after that when we begin to explore and have fun with life. Well that’s the case for me atleast.

Honestly speaking whatever has happened to me in college is truly unexpected. First of all I had no plans of doing engineering and here I am doing that. I thought that I’ll hate this college but somehow I’m able to bear with it. The only thing which I was expecting to was the hostel life which I really enjoy!

After living in hostel I’ve understood the importance of having people around (Even though there are some days where I won’t give a damn about anyone and would feel like having a go at the world with my thoughts – solitude to be more precise). When we are in hostel we’ll always have that one friend whom we’d love to tag along with no matter what. And I observed that over here too. Strong bonds have formed after the end of one semester.
And I love talking about shitty, stupid and fun stuff with my best friend(s)!

I’ve begun to realize that eating at the mess is kind of like a ritual. I go to the mess at 7.30 with Teju (bestie) and I pray the food I eat that day should fill the bottomless pit in my stomach! We eat in silence, not speaking as we eat. But once we are done, or rather like when I am done I start doodling on my plate with food. I really like this habit! I remember as a kid I used to draw yachts and ships on my plate and imagine them rowing against a storm in my head. Then Teju will speak about the dreams she has (which are really wild and fascinating) and I listen in awe and wonder how the hell she can remember her dreams! Often I keep staring into space and drift off into my imaginary world where my thoughts start building up unimaginable conspiracies and I’ll be snapped out of it by Teju. Occasionally we talk about our childhood and family and laugh at the fun times we had when we were kids.
I love going down memory lane over food. It somehow makes people grow closer and we’ll of course get to know each other better. It was only after this I understood the meaning of the phrase, “The family that eats together, stays together”, and I’ve begun believing in it too.
Ah well food connects people.
And food is tasty.
Cheese burger with extra bacon and Happy Jack @ Sandy's

A Writers Confession

Writers are nothing but the transformation of thoughts into words on paper. These thoughts reflect the individualism and life of a writer. Thoughts become public once they are inked on paper. They are no longer private and leaves the writer vulnerable. But the writer continues to take this risk and continues to write the story. And hence when you read a story, be it fiction or non-fiction, it always leaves a hint of the writers personal life. It is this unknown dangling silver thread that connects with the reader and makes a good story. Just the way family traits are passed down a generation, a story carries the traits of the writer. It is hierarchical to the writer and the stories written. The more stories written by the writer, more secrets of their life are revealed. It all comes in layers through the stories. And as we read one by one we unravel their secrets, like their favorite place or favorite food or their childhood fantasies, everything comes in layers finally opening up to the writer who might or mightn’t have tried hard to conceal those desires.

A writer knows that they have done a good job if the readers can find the emotions inscribed in between the lines. These emotions can make us laugh or cry. It is this rush of emotions that connect us stronger to the story and writer. Sometimes these stories take us to places which the writer wants us to experience. And it does, in our head. Our head is the barricaded kingdom where anything is possible. The writer forces these thoughts into our head and our mind conjures up a scene and our heart plays with the emotion. It is these three elements: our thoughts, our mind and our heart, which makes the writers idea, come in motion.

There is one writer, whose secrets strewn in her stories, I believe I have uncovered. It’s Cecelia Ahern. All the books which I have read so far are written by her. The common things which I have noticed in them (and which I believe are common to Cecelia too) are that most of her stories are centered on Dublin and Ireland owing to her roots. All her protagonists are revived in her stories through the support of their friends and family. So either Cecelia must have also experienced the same or she must consider them as an integral part of her life. She mentions places that exist. Sometimes the same place occurs in two books. For instance, River Liffey is mentioned in “The Gift” as well as “One Hundred Names”. Such occurrences make me believe that both the stories are linked and I’ll be expecting a crossover of characters. Once again this must mean (or at least I think so) that River Liffey is also important in her life. Then there is the way she describes places and objects. It’s obvious from the interviews and talk shows she has given that she is observant, but from the way she describes one can also say that she is sincere. She looks from all perspectives, even if they are impossible she makes them possible giving her stories the touch of a fairy tale. I could almost imagine her taking notes carefully as I read through her description of places and buildings. Also she does extensive research on public matters before she decides to put it in a book. I imagine her absorbing in each conversation and let the conversation weave its own story. I consider her a master in the art of words. She is one writer I sincerely look up to.

There is another writer, Jenny Valentine, I came across her during my schooldays and I found her writing style really peculiar and not appropriate. The first book which I read written by her is Finding Violet Park. As soon as I’d finished reading the first few chapters I found something odd about her writing style. Then I realized that her story never contained any conversations. It was written completely in the Past Perfect tense. I found it really odd. I mean a whole book containing at least 200 or more pages was written without any conversations. I thought she’d retreated to this style only in Finding Violet Park. But after I read excerpts of her other books she had maintained the same style. I find this really intriguing and odd because personally I prefer the past perfect tense to limit with short stories, not for novels.

I write this because I feel the urge to. I’ve held these thoughts within me for quite a long time. My opinion about Jenny Valentine, I had it ever since the 9th grade. I couldn’t keep them inside anymore.

The Unexpected College Life

It has been a month and a half since college started and I'm already having mixed reactions towards it. I don't think that it is right for me to have these feelings/reactions right now because well I have just started college. And it already feels like a year has gone by.
The weeks go by very fast. I feel like it's Monday when it's Friday. Time literally flies here. It becomes really late by the time I reach my hostel and I just have sufficient time to freshen up myself and the next thing I know I am eating at the mess and giving my attendance and it's 9 already.
By then I'll have no choice to sleep after 12.
I'm really getting sick of this.
Everything is getting stagnant here. I want to change. Again.
When I first entered college, I loved myself genuinely for the first time because it felt like I was losing my old self.
I'd describe my old self as an extreme introvert who didn't have the courage to speak to people. I was someone who never revealed my true self to others. In a group of 10 people there would only be one person who knew the real me and my temperaments. I feel that controlling one's temperament determines the character of a person.
When I entered college I was the extreme opposite of that and I absolutely loved it.
Now I feel like my personality is losing it's sheen and is becoming stagnant.
I fear that I'm becoming my old self where I'll have to walk around with a mask.
And I don't want that.
Right now I've become like a person who worries about every single tiny detail instead of looking at the bigger picture. I feel like killing myself for even acknowledging this feeling now! I agree that we have to worry and care about stuff at times. But worrying about it all the time only gets me more depressed and it just drives me insane and drifts me apart.
I don't want this to happen to me. I just want to be happy. Properly happy.
Is that too much to ask now?

Chasing an Aging Dream

You might not achieve what you set out to achieve when you pursue your dreams; there is a very real likelihood it won’t happen. But don’t you want to give yourself the chance while you can? Because even though you might not want to give up on your dreams, if you put if off long enough, your dreams could give up on you. Because dreams are not perpetual; they are temporary. Like many things in life, they have expiration dates.
Kovie Biakolo
I've begun reading the articles written by this amazing writer and they always leave me literally spellbound!
Today I was reading her article about dreams and realized that it was so much similar to what I had during my school days.

She began with a touching note. she described her dreams of being a sprinter in her early childhood days, how she had an amazing speed. But gradually life weighed on her dreams and slowly her speed decreased and her sprinting dream vanished.

This hurt me too. It relates a lot to the dream I had in my schooldays.
Back then I wanted to go to external competitions and win prizes and be recognized for my speed. Back then I worked really hard on my speed and stamina to be recognized for the sport. And it did pay off.
But it was in the end of everything. It was in my final year (10th grade) during my last race. I won because of my speed and I was so proud then. But then I was disappointed too. It was because I realized that after that race I'd never be able to showcase my speed. Academics became the mainframe over the last two final years of my school. And as a result my speed gradually wore off and my stamina worsened and I was never able to run like I used to.

But I hope all of that will change now because I'm going to University now. Right now I want to be the best athlete in that University even if it means starting from the scratch and also be the best academically too. That way I hope that I'll get selected for the semester program abroad.
I seriously want to go abroad. I want to know how the world outside it. I am so curious to know what lies beyond India.

When we pursue our dreams with our own labour and passion, that is when we will feel no regrets for having pursued that dream. That is when our dreams will be fulfilled. Otherwise we will experience enormous guilt and regret which will eat us inside out.

I was archiving through my posts which I had written in my school days and quite a few of them surprised me! I had mentioned the names of my friends and family so care-freely, Comparing that to now, I just think too much about mentioning names in a post! Also there was this one post from my journal which I had typed down in my blog and I am so thankful that I did because it really shocked me and took me by surprise when I read the content. It even resurfaced memories which I thought I never had...! (post here)

P.S: I've changed my blog address and I doubt that Google will replace it with the old one. So please relink me on blogger & bloglovin' too.

18th @AoiMumbai

My 18th birthday update post is late by 5 days. My friends: Tejasvita , Roli, Avneet and Divya surprised me on my 18th birthday by taking me to an authentic Japanese Restaurant in Bandra(W) called Aoi {Japanese for blue}.
We met up near school and bought the cake. Then we headed to Mt. Mary's Church Road. My friends kept on telling me that it was an Indian/Italian/Punjabi/South Indian cuisine restaurant and totally throwing me off the guessing track lol! :D

I was so happy when I entered the restaurant and found chopsticks and an open kitchen. I immediately realized that it was Japanese. Also there were Mangas and books about Ikebana/Tea/Haiku. It felt like a Japanese Haven!

[086] - @AoiMumbai
Greeted by Chopsticks

[093] - 18th @AoiMumbai
Thank god the birthday cake was small. Otherwise it would be just too much for a serving of 5 people!

[081] - @AoiMumbai Chef & Serving
Open kitchen and Chef + waiters on duty

[084] - @AoiMumbai Interior

[082] - @AoiMumbai Interior

[080] - @AoiMumbai Interior
I loved their interior! The anime character on the wall made me to cry when I first saw it. Also there are a gazillion cranes with lights hanging from the ceiling.

[091] - Tuna Tartare Uramaki @AoiMumbai
Starter: Tuna Tartare Uramaki

[079] Tuna Tartare Uramaki @AoiMumbai

[085] - Wasabi Sauce & Soy Sauce @AoiMumbai
Side dressing - soy sauce and wasabi sauce
Honestly speaking I've never wasabi sauce before and I didn't even know how it looked like before! At first when I saw the "green mixture" I thought it was green chutney. I had a nice big "chopstik-full" of it. Within seconds I felt like a fire engine was required in my mouth.

[092] - Prawn Bento @AoiMumbai
Main: Prawn Bento with Veg tempura, California rolls, veggies and miso soup
For me the miso soup tasted like the most bitter medicine!

[083] - California Rolls & Tempura @AoiMumbai

[088] - Veg Noodle Stir Fry @AoiMumbai
Main: Veg Noodle Stir Fry (YUM)

[090] - Grilled Chicken Donburi @AoiMumbai
Main: Grilled Chicken Donburi
I love Japanese rice! True it might be sticky contrary to Indian rice which is well loose. But Japanese rise tastes so sweet and flavorful and it is so easy to eat it with chopsticks as well! But Indian rice is not.

[089] - Norvegian Salmon with Tossed Ramen @AoiMumbai
Main: Norvegian Salmon with tossed Ramen
This dish is the most costliest of all the dishes we ordered. But it was worth the price (Rs. 650). The salmon was absolutely delicious and the ramen was yummy! I even loved the plating. It looked like it had come straight off from one of the contestants in Masterchef.

  • Interior: 5/5
  • Food: 4.5/5
  • Service: 4/5 (Of all the waiters only one knew the menu and dishes properly. We had to rely on him while he juggled between different customers)

Aoi is really active on social networking sites as well. They commented on my photos on their Twitter. Also don't forget to check out their Website and Zomato reviews too!

And thanks to them (and my friends ofcourse!) I'll never forget my 18th birthday! Thank you Aoi! :D {And I'll most definately visit your restaurant again!}

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