The Before

I have always loved the process of going to sleep rather than just sleeping. It’s almost a heavenly luxury especially during hot summer days when sleep comes like a blessing. It is the best place in the world to be in as I lie down to sleep with my thoughts just out there on the ceiling ready to be explored. I pick any one of those scattered dreamlike gems from the array presented to me and I just toy with it.

I think about how I started thinking about it. I think about its origins and where all it extends to from its current point of view. As I think I let these thoughts enter me and my senses start to mingle with them. My body tingles as they pass through my blood. I feel it flow along with the blood in my veins as I turn over and shuffle in the sheets because of the hot air. My senses are heightened momentarily. I can hear, or maybe my brain perceives me to hear, the sound of birds chirping. And these aren’t the sounds of just any normal bird. It is the sound of the birds chirping in joy to the gorgeous weather while I wreath on the verge of sleeplessness due to the hot summer day.

Occasionally I pick up the scent of something before I drift off to sleep. Sometimes I think it’s the rain or sometimes it’s just the smell of nothing. When I think of it as the rain I open my eyes slowly and look at the world in a hazy glow. I barely make out the drapes as light filters through them with the smell of earth. In this moment everything looks so beautiful in mild warmth. It makes me wonder if I am dreaming or if it is real.

I slowly begin to feel heavy. The thoughts take their own course of action. I can feel my pulse throbbing and my mind reach an equilibrium where the entire universe mutes itself out while I take a plunge into my world. I see people who I have never seen before as I dive. Sometimes I see people I know but then I feel like I am meeting them for the first time and I don’t know anything about them at all. Suddenly I feel lost and I don’t know what to do. This dreamlike in-between state is like a busy interstate junction. And when I feel lost I just go in any direction irrespective of the unknown destination waiting for me. Once this happens I am unable to move my body and I no longer feel transient. I feel like have transitioned into my sleep completely and I just continue diving deeper. I no longer feel the hot summer day but rather calmness so forgetful that I wish I never transcended and rather continued to stay in the in between.

I feel all this in those glorious moments before I fall into a mundane sleep.

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